Broken Illusions (His Agenda Volume 3) Read online

  “We better get going. We only have two hours before the sprinkling of the petals.” I lifted my napkin from my lap and placed it on the table.

  “I think you’re right.” Dustin’s gaze moved from my eyes to my breasts. “Have I told you how fuckin’ sexy you look tonight?”

  “About a hundred times.” I often preferred my comfortable jeans and t-shirts, but tonight I’d wanted to look nice for him.

  I wore a peach lace cocktail dress with a plunging neckline that didn’t leave much to the imagination. He had bought the dress for me when he’d traveled to Milan last year. Instead of heels, I wore cute matching ballerinas, to make walking around at the lake a little easier.

  “Well, you better get used to it because you’re going to hear it a hundred more times.” He waved for the waiter and paid for our meal. Even though Dustin was a billionaire, I still felt bad for wasting my food, so I asked for a to-go box. Dustin raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.

  The waiter bowed to Dustin as we left. As we were about to step out of the rotating doors of the hotel, Dustin pulled me back into the lobby and told me to wait as he talked to one of the receptionists.

  “I want to show you something,” he said when he returned to me. He took my arm and led me to the elevators.

  “Dustin, we’ll be late. Your mother is waiting for us to pick her up.”

  “Two hours is a long time. If we’re late, we’ll just take the jet there. Of course, it would be almost impossible to find a place to land.” He laughed and wrapped a hand around my waist, pulling me close to his side.

  “You’re a silly man. What do you want to show me anyway?”

  The elevator arrived and he guided me inside. “You’ll see soon enough.”

  The doors slid shut and the buttons of the individual floors flashed green one after the other, and then the elevator stopped. It took a moment for me to realize that Dustin was the one who had halted it.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. “I booked us a room for ten minutes, but I can’t wait to get there. You’re too hot. I need to have you right this minute. If you’ll have me.”

  “Oh my God. You are insatiable, Mr. Brannon.” Even as I said the words, I was kissing him hard on the lips.

  Within moments he was pulling my dress up my legs and pushing my lacy panties down my thighs. My breath caught in my throat and my pulse raced as he pushed me against the cool mirrors of the elevator wall. Somewhere in my mind I prayed no one would notice the elevator had stopped and do something about it. This moment, this breathtaking moment with Dustin, had to be explored. It was the first time we would be making love outside the bedroom, and oh God, I couldn’t wait.

  My knees were trembling, my breathing was ragged, my insides melting as he explored my mouth with his tongue, pushed my legs apart, and swept me off the ground. My juices were already flowing when I wrapped my legs around him. Before I could take my next breath, he entered me, pushing deeper and deeper until I screamed into his shoulder. He pushed even deeper and harder until I felt I would burst into flames.

  I came first, and then he followed, groaning deep inside his throat while still sliding his hard, smooth cock in and out. Then he withdrew and brushed my lips with a kiss.

  With a mischievous grin on his face, he zipped up his pants, then pulled my panties up and my dress down. He even tidied my hair, then his.

  “Don’t say a word,” he said and pushed a button. The elevator moved again but we were heading back down. I couldn’t stop giggling as he handed the key back to the receptionist, telling him we’d had a change of plans.

  “That was amazing, by the way,” he said as he started the car. “We should do it again sometime.”

  “I agree.” With one sexy move, Dustin had yet again sent my fears and worries packing. The only thing I felt right now was the throbbing between my legs as I remembered the feel of him. It was amazing how good my life could be, even with a dark cloud over my head.

  ***

  The festival was more fun than I had expected. The people scattered along the banks of Serendipity Lake were having too much fun to care about me being there—at least, that was how it seemed. Parents played with their kids, older people sat on folding chairs enjoying their drinks, teenagers ate burgers and hot dogs while sitting on picnic blankets and gazing at the water.

  Rachel had brought a picnic basket and blanket, choosing not to join us on Dustin’s boat. She wanted to catch up with some friends.

  As Dustin and I strolled barefoot along the bank, holding hands, I felt like I belonged to a community again. When someone passed us and said hello, I didn’t question their motives, didn’t ask if they were being sincere. I let my hair down and let myself enjoy the night with the man I loved.

  The edges of the small white boat were decorated with blooms and in the middle stood two white buckets filled with fresh red and white rose petals. They smelled like heaven.

  Dustin helped me into the boat and we sat on white padded seats.

  “This is so beautiful,” I said, eyeing the champagne. I had been opposed to drinking alcohol for a long time, but lately I enjoyed a glass of wine or champagne now and then. I had long decided that one glass wouldn’t turn me into the alcoholic my mother had been.

  “I’m glad you like it.” Dustin kissed me and held my face between his hands for a moment. “I’m so proud of you. And man, am I proud to call you my girl.”

  “Thank you. I love you.”

  When the clock struck midnight, we were out in the middle of the lake. Together we threw our petals overboard along with everyone else on shore and in their own boats. People cheered and music played, and happiness permeated the air and seeped into my bones.

  I felt joy, love, freedom. I prayed the feeling would stay with me for as long as possible, that it would follow me into the new day, the next week, the next month, and maybe longer. I didn’t want to let it go. I would clutch on to the happiness that had landed in my lap, even when I didn’t believe I deserved it. Even when I knew it wouldn’t last.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I drove down Cedar Street with the country music station at high volume, on my way home from a quick meal with Becca—at the Serendipity Memorial cafeteria—before she started her night shift.

  Feeling free and happy, I opened the window and filled my lungs with fresh summer air. I felt alive again, as if the weight of my problems had rolled off my shoulders. I was never one to sing along to the radio, but this time I did. I didn’t care that my singing voice was like nails on a blackboard, at least to my own ears. I sang anyway.

  When I glanced in the rearview mirror I caught sight of a police car behind me, its lights flashing. I frowned as sirens filled the air. Were they headed somewhere else, or were they pulling me over? I glanced at the road ahead and then behind. At this time of night, it was clear of other cars.

  I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was not speeding, not drunk, and not even driving too slow—if that could even be a problem. My only crime was being happy for the first time in a while. I smiled as I slowed down. To be honest, being happy had seemed like a crime in the past few years. As soon as I even attempted to feel it, it was snatched away and I was punished somehow. But tonight, no one would taint my mood. I would hold on to these good feelings no matter what came my way.

  The police car neared the rear of my car and I got the message. I was the one on their radar.

  I shook my head as I slowed down even more and brought the car to a halt on the shoulder. The police car stopped behind mine and the door opened.

  I watched in the rearview mirror as the cop walked in slow strides toward my car. He was tall and seemed to be well built underneath his uniform. I had always found uniforms sexy on men. I should ask Dustin to try one on for fun one of these days.

  Sand and gravel crunched under the cop’s boots as he got closer.

  He lowered himself to my open window and my breath froze in my lungs. My heart almost exploded and beads of
sweat popped up on my forehead.

  I tried to scream, to move, to drive, but the sudden coldness that hit my core at the sight of him froze both my body and mind.

  “Have you missed me?” Jude said in that low, dangerous voice. Underneath his cap his eyes were intense and triumphant. He looked groomed and distinguished, the way he had looked the day I saw him for the first time. The hair that peeked from underneath the cap seemed slightly lighter than I remembered, but the gun-metal blue of his eyes, his strong jaw, and his full lips were unmistakable. The musk in his cologne caused the same reaction in me as always—disgust and fear. It was him, no doubt about it. But surely this couldn’t be real. How could he be alive when he had died two years ago? He had burned to death! How was it even possible? Was I going crazy?

  “Get out,” he said, his face contorting with anger. “Did you think you would get away with misbehaving for this long? Time for your punishment.”

  When I didn’t move—I couldn’t—he reached for the handle himself and yanked the door open.

  Then he reached into the car and gripped my forearm. The strength to fight returned to me in bursts. I fought him tooth and nail, kicking and yanking, scratching at his skin, but he was too strong for me. Before I knew it, I was out of the car and flat on my back on the gravel, the small stones drilling into my skin through the thin fabric of my satin top.

  As I continued to fight him, he slapped me hard across the face and threw himself on top of me, pinning me down by the arms.

  Then he reached down to unzip his pants and I opened my mouth and screamed. I slammed my eyes shut, wishing it would all turn out to be a bad dream when I opened them again.

  In that moment something changed. I felt lighter, and the pain in my back disappeared. I no longer heard sirens or smelled his cologne.

  My eyes flew open. I was in bed. I sobbed and sobbed, relief soaking through me. Jude was dead and gone. He could no longer hurt me. Even as that reality settled into my mind, I continued crying into my pillow, the ache inside my chest bleeding and raw again. It was just a nightmare, but it had felt so real. My heart was still thumping and the sensation of his hand on my forearm remained with me.

  After crying for at least an hour, I got out of bed and took a long, hot shower. Then I sat on the edge of my bed for a long time, staring into space. 3 a.m. was too early to get started with my day, but going back to sleep was not an option. Not tonight. Nor was calling Dustin to seek comfort. I didn’t want to worry him when he was so far away in Dubai.

  But there was no way I’d be able to shake off the nightmare unless I talked to someone about it. Feeling guilty for disturbing her at work, I tried Becca.

  “We’re friends, you can call me anytime. If I don’t pick up, I’ll call you back. I was about to have my break, anyway. What’s up? Your voice sounds strained.”

  I sighed. “I dreamed of Jude.”

  “And it’s normal for you to do that. Your subconscious is still hung up on him.”

  “I know. It’s just that… this time it felt too real.” I ran a hand through my damp hair and glanced at the window to make sure it was still closed. “It was so different from the other times.”

  I told her what had happened in the dream and heard an intake of breath on her end.

  “Haley, I’m so sorry, sweetie. But remember this: Jude is dead. He’s been dead for two years. He will not come back.”

  “I know,” I said, biting my bottom lip. “I wish my mind could believe that too.”

  “Did you ever get closure? Real closure? I mean, were you at his funeral or something like that?”

  I shook my head as if she could see me. “I told them to do whatever they needed to do with his remains. I never wanted to have anything to do with him again.”

  “Well, that’s it.” There was a hint of triumph in Becca’s voice. “You need closure, sweetie. I’m not saying it will solve all your problems, but it’s worth a try.”

  “I don’t know how I can get that closure. Garrett once told me to write a letter to him and burn it. You know, telling him how deeply he had hurt me. He said I might let him go that way, and release the negative emotions.”

  “Did it help?”

  “It did in the moment I burned the letter. The relief only lasted a few hours, though.”

  “Why not try something else?”

  “I have no idea what.”

  “Dearest, I have to go and check on a patient. I’m sorry. Think of a few ideas. I’ll call you after my shift so you can run them by me.”

  “I will. Thanks so much, Becca. Talk to you later.”

  After hanging up, I took a pad and paper and started jotting down a few things. I managed to come up with five ideas, some of them ridiculous, but it helped knowing there were options that could help me let go of Jude.

  I folded up the paper, put it in my purse, and instead of going back to bed, I switched on the TV and watched a nice comedy. I fell asleep before it ended.

  I was awoken by Becca’s phone call. She was pleased with some of the ideas, but one in particular.

  “I know it’s scary, and you will probably be subjecting yourself to a lot of pain, but maybe you need to face the pain in order to let it go.”

  “Maybe.” I decided I would do it. “I’ll make the call.”

  Later that day, I laughed at myself. I had ditched Garrett because I wanted to do it on my own, but in truth I wasn’t doing it alone. Instead of him, I was leaning on Becca. But in a way, it helped to be leaning on someone who knew me on a deeper level, and who had seen my deepest, darkest scars. Someone who wasn’t Dustin.

  Taking the healing steps would not only be good for me. I was doing it for Dustin, and for everyone else who came into contact with me. It would prevent me from scarring the relationships I formed with other people.

  Damn you, Jude. Go to hell already.

  Chapter Seventeen

  My heart pounded and sweat pooled between the steering wheel and my palms.

  Before leaving the apartment, I had called Dustin in Dubai, but he was having lunch with an investor and couldn’t talk. All I could say was that I had a last-minute shoot out of town and I’d be spending the night. I hated lying to him, but I couldn’t give him the opportunity to try and talk me out of what had to be done.

  To give myself a few moments to calm down, I leaned against the headrest and closed my eyes.

  Please God, let this be what I need. Give me the strength I need to get through this.

  After Jude died, I started going to church. It helped to remind myself there was a higher power out there watching over me. Relying on my own personal strength was too freakin’ scary. Given that most of the wedding shoots I was booked for fell either on a Saturday or Sunday, I didn’t attend church as much as I liked, but I had learned how to talk to God from my own home.

  I blew out a slow breath and started the car with shaking hands. I had to stop several times on the way with the pretense of getting something to eat or for a bathroom break, but the truth was, I needed to get out of the car and walk around a bit, to shake off some of the anxiety. Halfway to my destination, I almost turned back, but a call from Becca changed all that.

  “You can do this,” she said. “You’re almost there. I think if you turn back now, you’ll be harder on yourself for not going through with it.”

  I gazed at my own eyes in the cracked and smudged mirror of the small gas station bathroom. The green in them looked dull and dark shadows framed them.

  “Do you plan on telling Dustin at all? Or did you already?”

  “Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I haven’t decided yet. I don’t want to worry him at the moment. The conference in Dubai is a big deal. I want him to focus on that.”

  “You do know you have to open up to him sometime about your struggles, right? Especially the sleepwalking. He’s bound to notice sooner or later.”

  To keep him from finding out, I had taken steps to reduce the number of times we spent the night together. Often I
was the one who offered to sleep at his place instead of him coming to mine. That way I could leave and go to my apartment before I fell asleep.

  “I’ll tell him soon. Just not yet.”

  “Okay,” Becca said. “I have to get back to work. You do what you have to do. Call me when you get there… or if you need to talk.”

  We hung up and I got back in the car. Less than an hour later, when the sun was gliding higher in the sky, I drove into Madison, through its streets, toward the house I thought I’d never see again.

  Madison on its own left a bitter taste in my mouth. It was the place where I had suffered the most, the setting for all the torture Jude had inflicted on me. In an inexplicable way, I felt as if Madison had somehow let me down at the time I needed it most.

  For two years I’d turned my back on Madison, even rejecting photo shoot assignments that required me to be here. I knew sooner or later I’d find myself right back where it all started. I thought it would be much later, when my wounds had healed and the scars had faded.

  The mansion was as powerful and intimidating as Jude had been. The place I’d once thought could be my home now looked like a monster raging up into the sky. This place had offered me shelter and then snatched it away. This mansion, with its majestic windows, lush gardens, and pillars was more than a house. It was Jude, in brick and mortar.

  I spotted the realtor’s car before I saw him: a small BMW standing in the place Nolan used to park Jude’s car. The courtyard, empty of luxury cars, looked bare and abandoned.

  A stocky man with a goatee and small eyes emerged from the back of the house just as I climbed out of my car, the warmth of the sun spilling onto my head and shoulders.

  “Miss Bradley,” he said, rushing toward me. He bounced more than he walked. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

  I ran the palm of my right hand along the sides of my jeans to wipe off the sweat before shaking his.

  “Mr. Loyd, thank you for being available to show me the property at such short notice.”

  I had been following the sale of the house for months now out of sheer curiosity. The realtor’s number had been in my phone for several weeks but I had yet to call it until today.