To Live Again (Learning to live again, #1) Read online

  "I've learned one thing in life. People choose to hear what they want to hear. And they'll talk, no matter what you do or don't do." He flipped onto his stomach and rested his face on his hands.

  Kelsey inched closer to him, wanting to savor the last moments they had together, wishing she could make the night a few hours longer. She let her eyes rove over his body. "Wow, that's one big tattoo," she said, and kissed the sword that stretched along one side of his back, and then ran the tip of her finger along its blade. She remembered looking at it from a distance, the first day she saw him.

  Shaun flinched and turned back onto his back. "Don't... don't touch." His tone was suddenly steely.

  Kelsey backed away, but said, "it didn't feel smooth as if... Did you get it to cover up a scar or something? It felt like one underneath."

  Shaun clasped his hands behind his neck and his face turned to stone. "It's nothing. Just forget about it."

  "Did you have an operation, or an accident?" She had no right to ask him these questions, but she couldn't hold her tongue.

  "I'd rather not talk about it. Please let it go. Why does it matter so much to you?"

  "I don't know why you're being like this." Kelsey bit back tears. "I know this is a one-night thing and there will be nothing more between us, but you've been a good friend to me. I care. I think you distance yourself from people to avoid getting hurt. What happened to you, Shaun? I think you're hiding something. Something happened that scarred you."

  Shaun climbed out of bed and picked up one of the towels from the floor. Wrapping it around his waist, he looked her straight in the eyes, silver lightning flashing in his. "Don't try to analyze me, Kelsey. Don't try to fix me. Don't try to make tonight more than what we agreed it would be." He ran a hand through his damp hair, the hair she'd massaged shampoo into an hour ago in the shower. "I had a great time. It was fuckin' great, but it can't be more. We can't be more."

  Kelsey sat up in bed, the crumpled bed sheet falling around her in waves. "Why?" She'd convinced herself she could have no-strings-attached sex with him and move on as if nothing happened. But she had been unprepared for the emotions he'd unleashed from within her, the life he had breathed into her. In one night, he'd made her feel more alive than any man ever had, even her first love. She needed to understand why they couldn't be more, so she could move on.

  Shaun's gaze didn't waver. "If you want more than this from me, you'll get hurt." He shut his eyes for a long time. When he opened them again, they were like deep, dark, empty holes. "I don't do more." He unraveled the towel and tossed it on the bed. Then he pulled on his jeans and shirt.

  "Fine." Kelsey swallowed the lump lodged inside her throat.

  "I have to go." Shaun strode to the door, but then stopped and turned. "Fine," he said. "You know what? If you really want to know, I'll tell you. I killed someone." His voice was raw and drenched in pain. "That's what made me the person I am today."

  He opened the door and left, leaving Kelsey gaping at the door.

  She didn't move until thirty minutes later, when she heard his truck grunt to life outside, moments before it went roaring down the street.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kelsey was still in a daze when she woke up in the morning, and the aches in her body reminded her of what had happened last night. But she looked past the earth-shattering sex and focused instead on what Shaun had told her. Did he just admit to being a killer? No, it couldn't be true. Maybe he’d been joking. He had to be. Maybe later in the day he'd knock on her door and tell her it was all a tasteless joke. Until then, she'd clean her cottage and do laundry, to keep her mind off it all.

  As she shoved clothes into the washing machine, she remembered the look in his eyes when he'd told her. Fear, regret, pain. He had meant every word, whether she chose to believe it or not. She had slept with a man who was responsible for someone's death.

  She closed the washing machine door and reached for the washing powder, shaking her head. There had to be some kind of explanation, and she wished she could find out what it was. She wanted to understand him. Except he'd made it clear she should mind her own business. She'd try to respect that, but she wasn't sure how long she could.

  Kelsey had just turned on the machine and made herself a cup of tea when the phone shrilled. She jumped and almost spilled the hot tea all over herself. Placing the cup on the table, she rushed to the phone, her heart pounding. It could be Shaun, ready to tell her everything. Her heart squeezed when she heard Maeve's voice on the other end. She demanded Kelsey tell her what happened between her and the mystery man after they left the Christmas party.

  "We just talked and watched a movie," Kelsey lied. She wanted to keep the beautiful moment she’d experienced with Shaun to herself, for now.

  "That's great." Maeve was breathless, as if it was the best news she'd heard in a long time. "Did he tell you what he's hiding from the rest of us?"

  Kelsey pursed her lips. She hated lying to Maeve, but what Shaun had told her was too huge to share with the whole of Dreara. And Maeve would find it way too juicy to keep to herself. "We talked about life. Nothing important. Nothing personal."

  "Seriously, Kelsey? You get that close to the man, and you don't get him to open up to you, or at least open his pants? Shame on you."

  Kelsey laughed. "You're bad, Maeve, very bad. Look, I have to go. Let's go see a movie tomorrow."

  "Sure. Take care, love."

  Kelsey hung up and sighed deeply. What would she do? She couldn't talk about Shaun's secret with anyone.

  The rest of the day, Kelsey managed to do two loads of laundry, clean the whole cottage, and even did some ironing. With each passing hour, her hopes that Shaun would show up diminished. His truck was still gone when night fell, so she quit waiting and went to The Hot Pot for dinner.

  ***

  Shaun jolted up in bed, heart thumping so hard one would think it was determined to crack its way through his chest. The old reoccurring nightmare had returned after weeks of peace.

  "Fuck." He swiped the sweat off his brow, then flicked on the light. As he studied his hands, he swore he could still see the palms stained red, covered with blood from her gushing wound. The metallic smell of fresh blood mixed with her perfume, and the stench hung in the air, thick and heavy, making him want to gag. Rubbing his thumb and index finger together, he still felt the slippage caused by the red liquid between them. Heart racing, he swung his legs out of bed and flinched at the pain along the side of his back, just as real now as the day the sharp metal had sliced into his flesh. He gritted his teeth and gasped for air as he stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, keeping his eyes from the mirror, refusing to see the reflection of his blood-stained past. With soap and hot water, he scrubbed his hands until they were raw. But it was futile. No amount of scrubbing could cleanse him of his sin, so he gave up and rested his hands on both sides of the cool basin. Breathe, just breathe, he told himself. Take it one step at a time.

  Once his heart rate had slowed, he contemplated returning to bed. The clock on the bedside table had blinked 3 a.m., and he needed his sleep. But bed was the last place he wanted to be. The demons would be waiting for him there, hovering over him patiently, waiting to remind him of what he'd done.

  To hell with it. He'd stay awake. Shame he couldn't go for a swim. Though he was tempted, he'd be a fool to swim in the ocean in the dead of winter. A walk on the beach would have to do. He pulled on a thick pullover that hung on a chair by the bed and less than a minute later, he slipped out the back door and disappeared into the moonlit night.

  It was all a dream, he repeated to himself as he stumbled along the beach like a drunkard. The blood wasn't real, and the pain on his back—the part covered by the tattoo—was just his mind playing tricks on him. He'd had the tattoo done a year after it had happened, to cover up the angry scar that had been a constant reminder of the past.

  Finally, he stopped walking, lowered himself onto the cold sand, and dropped his pounding head in
to his hands. He stayed that way as he listened to the waves crashing and sweeping the shore while the cold night air ruffled his hair and chilled his scalp. He'd stay for a while. Then he'd return to the cottage to do some more writing. That should hopefully calm him down.

  Writing had kept him going during the tough times. He'd written his first book while in prison, and his brother Dustin had sent it to a literary agent friend. By the time Shaun was released, the novel, which he'd written under a pseudonym, was a bestseller, and he used the money he'd earned in royalties to spend his first year as a free man to travel around the world. He made his family believe he was enjoying his freedom, but the truth was, he couldn't return to Serendipity. There were constant reminders there of what he'd done. Instead he ran away from the past. And when he needed to forget, there had been women and alcohol. And swimming.

  His head snapped up at the sound of muffled footsteps behind him. He shot to his feet and spun around. "Jesus, Kelsey, are you crazy? What are you doing here at this hour?" His voice was firm and gentle at the same time.

  "I should ask you the same thing. It's freezing out here." Kelsey tightened the blanket draped around her slim shoulders. In the night, her eyes sparkled, and she looked so damn hot with her bed-head hair that his cock hardened instantly. But he couldn't make love to her again. She had crossed a line no woman had ever crossed in eight years. She was the reason the pain had returned and the past had come back to haunt him. If he had even a grain of sense left in him, he would get as far away from her as possible. But he couldn't. She was also the first woman in years to remind him of what it felt to be needed on a deeper level. The gentleness in her eyes made him want to hold her and allow himself to be held by her. To be comforted. Sex with her had been far from meaningless. The warmth of her body next to his had melted away the wall of ice he'd erected around his heart. Being inside her had felt like coming home. But it was a big mistake, and one that couldn't happen again. If his body would just obey him.

  "Let's sit." Kelsey lowered herself onto the sand and Shaun found himself doing the same.

  In a moment of silence, they gazed at the inky black water, enveloped in the magic of the ocean, something bigger than themselves. Shaun loved the sea, because it made his problems feel so much smaller in comparison. But not tonight.

  "Why are you here, Kelsey?" Shaun asked.

  "I went to the kitchen for a glass of water and saw you heading for the beach." Her velvet voice made him forget about the cold; it covered him like a cloak, soft and velvety.

  "So you decided to follow." Shaun's voice was low and fragile, his body exhausted. "What if some maniac pounced on you? No town is too safe, you know. Not even Dreara."

  Kelsey laughed, the sound soothing the aches in Shaun's body and soul. "I took judo classes in secondary school."

  "And that's enough, is it? Secondary school seems like a long time ago to me." Shaun found himself smiling. He felt her turn to look at him but he kept his eyes fixed on the sea.

  "Are you worried about me?" Her voice was small, expectant.

  He wanted to say no, but he'd be lying. But he wasn't ready to admit to her how much he'd come to care for her. Instead, he repeated his earlier question. "Why are you here?"

  "I'm here to apologize. I shouldn't have forced you to talk about your past. It's none of my business."

  "You're right, it is none of your business," Shaun said simply, but he didn't feel angry or annoyed. He was just tired. Running from the past had proven to be hard work, especially since the past was pretty damn impossible to outrun, and always showed its face when he least expected it to.

  Kelsey shifted next to him. "I know you don't want to talk. But if you change your mind, I'm here. I'm a great listener. And I won't say a word to anyone."

  "You don't know how to quit, do you?" Shaun wanted to tell her to back off, to stop pushing him back to that painful time, but he nodded instead. His jaw tightened and he swallowed hard through the rawness in his throat. He decided to tell her just enough to satisfy her curiosity. "The person... the woman I killed, she was... my wife, Carmen." But as he spoke he realized it wasn't just for Kelsey. He wanted to empty himself of some of the hurt, so he could rest for a while.

  Shaun tried to blink away the memories of that night as they formed inside his mind, but it was impossible.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The best day of Shaun's life had also been the worst. It had started with him standing at the altar next to the only woman he'd ever loved, the only woman he could envision a future with, the only woman he wanted to have his babies.

  That was eight years ago, and he'd been a better man, a believer in love, a one-woman guy.

  That day, which began with so much hope, had ended with him sitting behind the wheel of his car, driving his new bride to the best hotel in Serendipity—hell, in Wisconsin.

  Carmen giggled next to him and kissed his cheek. Her wedding dress, which surrounded her like a blanket of clouds, sighed at her movement. "My husband," she said. "I love the sound of that."

  Shaun grinned. He was going to be the best damn husband there ever was. She would never regret marrying him. "My wife." His voice dripped with pride. He hiked up the speed. He wanted to get there fast. He couldn't wait to pull the pins from her jet-black hair and watch it fall down her back like smooth silk. He couldn't wait to pull the lace and satin off her body and meet her skin to skin.

  Knowing she was his and he was hers forever made him feel high. But the only thing coursing through his veins was love and champagne. He hardly drank, never liked the taste of alcohol much. But on his wedding day, he'd allowed himself a few glasses of bubbly and ended up downing two or three more before twirling his wife on the dance floor under a crystal chandelier.

  For a person who hardly drank, the alcohol hadn't affected him much. So he’d insisted on driving Carmen to the hotel, ten minutes drive from the reception site. His mother and brothers had tried to talk him out of it, but he hadn't seen the harm. He’d felt sober enough.

  The night was quiet, the streets almost deserted.

  While he drove, Carmen rolled down the window and poked her head out. "I'm married to Shaun Brannon," she screamed into the night.

  When she pulled her head back in, Shaun turned to take a quick glance at her.

  Her face was bright with joy, her cheeks pink, her green eyes sparkling like polished jade.

  It was clearly the happiest day of her life, just as it was his. They'd met in college and knew instantly they'd be among the couples who made it to death-do-us-part.

  She smiled at him and he gave her a quick kiss.

  When he turned back to the road, his heart jumped to his throat. A truck was heading straight for them.

  Carmen's earlier laughter morphed into an endless scream as Shaun swerved into the opposite lane, the wrong lane. The truck missed them just in time for them to be hit by a speeding car. Their car overturned and rolled a few times. Silence descended as the car came to a halt. Silence just as deafening as Carmen's screams, the crunching of metal, and the screeching of tires had been a moment earlier.

  Shaun saw his wife's blood on his hands, and felt a stabbing pain in his back. Then his world went black.

  Chapter Sixteen

  "God." Kelsey's voice shook with emotion." I'm so sorry, Shaun. I can't imagine... I'm so sorry."

  "It happened within a few seconds. Just one look at my wife. I lost control of the car... of everything." He stopped talking and drew his knees to his body, hugging them. He couldn't continue his story. "I can't..."

  "I understand." Kelsey's voice was soaked with the tears he wished he could cry. She moved closer to him and covered his shoulders with one half of the blanket.

  Since the funeral, he hadn't shed one tear for his wife, no matter how much he wanted to. He’d broken down the day she died. And then he just couldn’t cry anymore. He finally came to accept it as punishment for what he had done. The pain would forever torment him; there'd be no mercy and no way o
f releasing it.

  "Walk away, Kelsey,” he said. “You're a great woman. But I'm too damaged. You’ll get hurt."

  "Say what you want. I'm not going anywhere." Kelsey leaned her head on his shoulder and he held his breath, as if breathing would dispel the comfort of that one gesture. "You did not kill your wife," she whispered. "It was an accident."

  Shaun flinched. He couldn't tell her that the accident was not what killed his wife—not on its own, at least. That it had started the journey to her death, but he had ended it. Maybe he'd finish the story one day. Right now he feared if she found out the whole truth, she might end up seeing the monster within him.

  "Shaun," she whispered. "I'll be here if you ever need to talk again. I'll be your friend, if that's what you want. I'll help you through this if you let me."

  Shaun closed his sore eyes and smiled. "Only if your friendship comes with benefits." He was doing it again, stepping on dangerous ground. But he needed her, dammit. His body needed her. His heart needed her. He needed her. Period.

  "I don't do friends with benefits," Kelsey said. "But for you, I'll make an exception. Now let's get out of here before my fingers fall off."

  Shaun had been kidding about the benefits thing, but she didn't seem to have understood. He wasn't about to reject her offer.

  ***

  Cool air slapped Kelsey's cheeks as the sand whispered beneath her feet. At first they walked side by side in silence. It was so quiet that she could hear her own heartbeat. Shaun's revelation had shaken her to the core, but she would keep that shock well hidden so he didn't feel worse than he already did. But was she crazy? Why couldn't she run from this broken man? Why did she just agree to a friends-with-benefits relationship with him? What kind of woman did that?

  A desperate one, a small voice in her head told her. But no, she wasn't desperate. She just felt more for Shaun than she could admit to him, or even to herself. She was falling in love with him and despite the obstacles, it felt like the real thing. Only time would tell. Until then, she'd stick around. She'd be there for him, help him heal, and wait to see if he'd eventually ask to be more than friends.